Eighth Cream Cake: [Written/Action/Voice] FORWARD-DATED to the 9th

[vor]

[A week of research was a questionable coping mechanism. It succeeded in keeping him from having to talk to anyone. Also, in keeping him busy. However, a week buried in information brings on a loneliness that makes unchecked depression go rampant.

That's the worst part about it, sometimes. Being so utterly incapable of breaking the ice, of visiting someone and drudging up polite conversation and leaving that loneliness behind. He can't conjure the energy to visit anyone or ask for a visit, but everything is so much worse when he's lonely. Walking that circle is worse than rummaging through page after page of data, wanting to find and yet terrified of finding. He hated it alone in the research rooms, but feared going back to the same cycle, the same circle, as before.

When he comes back, he puts off going back to the flat for as long as possible. He sees to the horses at the stable, introducing the new mare to the others. Horses don't require conversation, but they provide companionship. Gregor is faintly disturbed by that thought, as if working with the horses might be more harmful than therapeutic. He finds himself clutching Babushka's mane in both fists, his face buried in her shoulder, heart pounding with the sudden, dizzy speculation that the one thing that makes him feel happy in this place is poisoned by his own weakness. No. No, no, no, he's not about to start thinking that way. Working with the horses means working with the hands, and that's human interaction. He enjoys that part. There's a premise to it, nothing forced. It's okay. He's being ridiculous about this. Gradually, he releases Babushka's mane. Her placid temperament helps. It's as if she barely noticed.

He should go home and take a shower, but instead he sits in the stable and sends a written message out, filtering it only lazily since it's nothing important.]

[Filtered to Ivan Vorpatril, Buffy Summers, Adele LeBlanc, and everyone who works at the stable or takes lessons - 35% unhackable]

I've come back.
--GVB

[/Filtered.]

[Then, it's anything he can do to keep from going back to that apartment. He knows once he's there, he'll nest in his safe little area and be completely trapped, alone with his own thoughts. So he plunks himself into the coffee shop with a cup of coffee and a cream cake he brought over from the bakery. He should check up on Loki (he has his own problems). He should talk to Nephry (she shouldn't see me like this). Or Molly (neither should she). Or Buffy (no pretending no no no...). Or Adele (nothing she can do). The trouble is that he's not fit to be seen by anyone. There's really nowhere to go but home, is there? Like it or not, he's chained to that place. Heaven forbid he send out a message to any one of them, or even that idiot Ivan, saying, I need help, today is a bad day, I don't care what you do just make sure...

Make sure of what? That he doesn't topple off any more balconies? He knows where death leads here. Everyone does. It would sound so stupid to explain why having one week asleep, one week ushered painlessly by during the wait to go home would be worth a death penalty.

...He needs to talk himself out of thinking that way.

At last, he sends out a voice message.]

The public stables are open, with three horses available to anyone who needs them. Just check them out with the on-duty stable hand.

[After inquiries are responded to, there's nothing to do but go home. Once he is there, he is most likely to curl up on his couch and not answer the door or any messages.]

Comments

[Action]

[vor]

[He sets the glass down on the coffee table and goes to get another.] I admit I've never heard of turning wine into water.

[Action]

[complicatedliar]

That would take quite a bit more doing, I think. Too many other fiddly chemicals in the mix. Sugars, those are easy to rearrange.

[He pours himself a glass of the fine grape juice once Gregor gives him one.]

[Action]

[vor]

[Gregor flings himself into the chair and hooks a leg over one arm, picking up his glass and inhaling over it.]

So you're simply rearranging what's already there, not creating something out of something entirely different.

[Action]

[complicatedliar]

In this case, yes. It's... more efficient that way.

I could just grossly alter reality if I wished. But it takes a good deal more effort. And as it is here... efficiency is more important than ever.

[Action]

[vor]

[Loki is doing a great job at not sounding crazy. Gregor eyes him curiously.]

How do I know you're not exaggerating?

[Action]

[complicatedliar]

I suppose I could perform for you like some sort of dancing bear, but at some point you're going to just have to give up and believe me.

Magics are my first and only love, and I know them well.

[Action]

[vor]

[Yes, you and Molly both. Gregor takes a careful sip.]

I guess I'll have to believe you. Maybe it's some form of science I don't understand. My foster-mother would be trying to come up with some scientific explanation, I'm sure.

[Action]

[complicatedliar]

Magics are science you don't understand. [Loki grins.] It's all a way of interacting with and understanding the universe. Mine is just a bit more... personal. And doesn't require a technological intermediary since I can accomplish it all myself.

[Action]

[vor]

[Gregor absorbs this very carefully, then nods.] I suppose I can buy that explanation. How have you been?

[Action]

[complicatedliar]

[Loki turns the glass in his hand, then sighs.] Ghastly. Yourself?

[Action]

[vor]

Wretched. [He sips.] You go first.

[Action]

[complicatedliar]

[Loki laughs.] All right. But just this once.

I spent an entire day vomiting and clutching my head in agony when everyone's memories were returned. That was a bit shit. I made quite a few friends over the course of that humiliating week and now the majority of them loathe me once more. As does the... ah... lady friend that I made during that time.

Oh, and then an enormous orange person fell through my roof and tried to kill me a few days ago. That was fun.

[Action]

[vor]

I think you might win. [Spoken with a grim sort of humor, since Gregor knows this is anything but a competition.] How are you doing now?

[Action]

[complicatedliar]

How like losing this sort of winning feels.

[Loki shrugs.]

I put one foot in front of the other. I've had it far worse in the past.

[Action]

[vor]

[Gregor bobs his head slowly.]

Is it getting better?

[Action]

[complicatedliar]

[He stares meditatively into his glass.]

Experience tells me that eventually, it goes numb. Close enough.

[Action]

[vor]

I don't know if that's any better. [Day after day in his safe hovel, unable to climb out, wanting nothing more than escape.]

[Action]

[complicatedliar]

[Loki raises his glass in a mock toast.]

What else have I? Other than the refuge of anger, and I've more than enough of that already.

Your turn, Greg.

[Action]

[vor]

Gregor. [Just a gentle correction, putting off his own turn.

He hesitates for a long time, hands tightening around his wine glass. How exactly does he talk about this? It isn't a story. It isn't a laundry list of misfortunes. It's just...this.]

I...went on the mission to try to deal with some things. It didn't work. It's hard to sleep at night. Has been for a long time. I just...don't think it's working out for me to live alone. I need someone there to...

[To keep him from pitching himself out a window? Does he really want to go there?]

To keep me focused. On...other things. When it gets bad. I'm on anti-depressants. Or between a couple of them, actually. It's why I can't drink.

[Action]

[complicatedliar]

Gregor. [Loki nods, acknowledging that it's something of an honor to be given use of the name.]

What things, Gregor?

[Loki leans forward, concern on his face. Gregor is, at this point, his best friend in this place. That makes his wellbeing important.]

I... see.

[He sets his glass down and rises, then starts to slowly pace.]

I, too, know what it is to find sleep is no longer a friend.

[Action]

[vor]

I just... [His hands open. Gregor tends to talk with his hands when he lets his guard down.] I can't shut my mind off. I can't let go. It was better not remembering, because then I could be anyone. I don't think I was even depressed anymore. And then everything came back all at once, and I just...didn't know what to do with it. I haven't known what to do with it for months now, and when it hit all at once...

[Action]

[complicatedliar]

[Loki stops his pacing in front of Gregor, crouching down.]

I understand, my friend.

[Maybe not the details, but he knows this pain. He felt it himself once the headache passed.]

[Action]

[vor]

[Gregor finds it oddly uncomfortable, Loki crouching like he's speaking to a child. He falls silent, reluctant to continue for a moment. Then, quietly:]

That's what I expected, somehow.

[Action]

[complicatedliar]

[Loki looks up at Gregor. He wants to do something more, but he doesn't know what. His arms are balanced on his legs, hands loose.]

Speak and I shall listen. But I know too that sometimes 'tis far too painful.

[Action]

[vor]

[Loki has his own problems. But who would Gregor talk to about this back home? Miles also has his own problems. He leans back in the chair and places both feet on the floor, a less open posture. His voice is calm, or at least even. Glum but not tearful.]

The irony about this place, for me, is that we can't die here. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, sometimes. But I did try to kill myself the night before I came here.

[There. The second person he's told, and Ivan almost doesn't count. Ivan was not confided in so much as warned.]