vor | Luceti Appointments

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Through your nose. Slowly.

[Loki shakes his head, shakily scrubbing at his face with his hands. Though he does try to comply, because it sounds like as good advice as any.]

I think... I think there is something... something wrong with me.

Tell me in a second. First, take a few seconds and take deep, slow breaths.

[He moves off to fill a glass of water.]

[With Gregor moving off, Loki starts walking toward the stairs, hesitates, turns away, and effectively starts pacing again. But he does try to breathe. Really, he wishes that he could.]

I think... perhaps I will go to bed. And sleep. Though I can't sleep.

[There's the sound of water coming from the tap.] Then don't try, not yet. Stay with me an organize your thoughts for a moment.

I just... want to sleep.

I can't. I can't. I can't. [He clutches at his hair.]

Shhh. [Gregor approaches quietly and passes Loki the water. At least it'll give him something to reach out and take, something to break this stream of panic. Something to clutch besides his hair. Also, the act of drinking will force him to take a quiet moment.]

Don't shush me. [Loki snaps, and then laughs, a faint edge of hysteria to the sound.] Words are all I have.

[He takes the glass, not because he wants it, but because it's an automatic reaction at this point. His hands shake so much that the water spills, but he doesn't notice. He stares down at it as if he's not entirely certain what to do with it.]

I... I don't feel good, Gregor. I... I... need to lay down.

Then come lie down. [He nods toward the couch.] But I'm not leaving you alone till you calm down.

[Loki actually does sit gingerly on the couch. He leans forward, elbows on his knees, head hanging, still clutching his water glass.]

I can't. Can't.

[He nearly drops the glass, clutches at it, then raises one hand to fumble at his lips.]

[Gregor spots him, one hand in front of the glass.] It's not a feat, it's an eventuality. You're safe right now. Just take deep breaths until it passes.

Safety is an illusion. I'm never safe. [But he does try to focus on his breathing anyway, shoulders moving. He doesn't like the way his face feels numb, or his hands, and he wants it to stop.]

You're safe here. Just keep breathing. Mouth closed.

[Loki does as he's told, breathing with his mouth shut, shoulders hunched up toward his ears. He rocks back faintly back and forth in his seat, hands white-fingered on the glass of water.

But slowly, he gets his breathing back under control.]

[As Loki calms down, Gregor sits with his elbows on his knees and leans forward.]

Now. Tell me what happened.

[It's not a request.]

[He doesn't have the energy for a sharp look, but he does manage a narrow-eyed one.]

I think... I'd rather not.

[He rubs his hands slowly together.]

[He doesn't push. He simply watches intently, black brows low, then sits back with a nod. The goal is to make him feel safe, after all.]

What do you need?

[Loki laughs, and it's not a pretty sound.]

For the last few hours to have not occurred, if you can manage that.

From me, Loki. What do you need from me?

[The problem is, he doesn't know. He wishes Gregor hadn't been here to see him so broken down. If he weren't so tired, he'd be angry about it.]

Don't tell anyone.

I won't.

[Loki relaxes slightly, nodding.]

Then that is all I need.

[He nods.] If you decide to talk about it, you'll receive no judgment from me. I won't bring it up again until you do. My word on it.

[Another humorless laugh.]

Ah yes, examining one's weaknesses in verbal detail. Not a game that sounds at all fun.

Believe it or not, it can help. Especially if it's about something that happened before. Traumatic memories are stored differently from normal ones, and talking about them, or even just writing about them, helps to store them properly.